Back in high school, I wrote letters to my older self. I share anything and everything to him. He was my confidant when I had no one else to share it to. I even placed it in a letter envelope, hoping to be opened sometime in the future. I still have some of these letters with me, many of which remained unopened. (Only God knows what’s in those letter. haha)
For this month’s writing prompt, we are to write to someone who can’t write us back, so I’m writing a letter to my younger self. If I had the chance to travel back in time and tell something to my younger self, I’d tell him to forgive himself.
I would probably give him a warm, tight hug assuring him that it’s okay to make mistakes, to try, to feel, to not be okay sometimes. Growing up, I feel like I’m being watched and criticized for my every actions and choices. I’m afraid to ask questions because of the voice inside my head saying it’s a stupid question. I refuse to speak up because I feel like someone somewhere is judging every word I say.
If I had the chance to travel back in time and meet my younger self, I’d give him permission to be himself. I’d give him permission to ask questions, to seek for clarity, and to remain curious.
I’d tell him that growing up he might feel he had to be perfect, that people are watching his every action, that he always had to please his parents and friends, but it’s not the truth.
I’d tell him to grow in his own pace. That the educational system and people’s understanding of what success looks like are rigged. That there is no one track that could make him “successful”, what’s important is his interest and curiosity. That arts, science, and advocacy could be merged together to a beautiful harmony you’d soon call your sweet spot.
I’d tell him to not compare himself to others as other people have different starting points, and that my present is a product of my choices, certain causes, and the circumstance. That I’m not to blame. That the sooner I can accept the things I can control and not control, the sooner I can think of a way to make me feel better.
But I think above all, what my younger self needs is a warm hug and a safe space. A space where he can freely grow, ask questions, take risk, and be in the moment. Embrace your vulnerabilities, Roy. Be authentic, be very comfortable being you, that other people would feel safe to do the same. Keep fighting, it will all make sense in retrospect.
Fifteen or thirty years from now, I’d be these present moment again writing letters to my past self. Of things I needed to hear right now. Maybe I didn’t write this for my younger self to hear, but for my present self to realize. It’s time to forgive yourself, Roy. Let go and grow.
PS. I haven’t decided yet when to open those sealed envelopes, may be at the age of 30.
RODTrip 